I really wish I had written the dates with the day first instead of the month when I started doing these, now I can’t change it…
I am going away, into a hole of a place and from which I shall come out a better writer. I hope that I can post on tumblr again now that I am free to write as much as I want.
I’ve recently been struggling to go back to writing. Seeing my old works, and the transformation of subject when my father passed away - I could see my growth for myself.
My voice has changed, it is no longer of a lovelorn adolescent but the voice of a man who disfavors himself for being a child for so long. I hope it will come out with as much light and joy as I feel after writing it.
Welcome to my new mind.
I Love It!
I love it! With all my heart I do!
But with how much love can that be when my heart has yet been whole again?
I love it still! With all I can, I love it still!
But if I never should find myself complete, will this love ever be fulfilling?
I must love it! It is without much choice that I must love it!
But is it love if I am only running away from a broken heart?
The lull that follows
Your words, does it make you feel
Self-conscious at all?
It is wonderful. Absolutely great. To have connected with someone in a relatable sense, empathy is fantastic. We are all capable of it, and when we show it, we create a comfort unfounded in any other place. Empathy is the greatest gift beside the unprovoked kind deed.
I have told people bits of me, and when they are particularly dark or tragic, I find nothing but proof of human kindness. Cynicism is very much alive, and at times painful, but even the most hardened cynic is capable of empathy.
Now what is empathy? It is the ability to leave someone with the feeling of support without judgment, kindness without reward, and it is sublime. Now empathy cannot exist with insult or snide remark, question of moral character or otherwise. Empathy is the ear devoid of lips, to listen but not speak against. I am eternally putting myself under the scope, being taught lessons by people, but it is ironic.
I am often being taught something opposite to the intent of my teacher. I had someone tell me to do this or that, but in actually I just wanted an opinion without aggression. It turned into an argument, and I wish I hadn’t handled it so poorly. The person felt I was showing weakness in my resolve. I just wanted an opinion. This person showed no empathy, no consideration before words, and in turn I simply shut off the capacity to show understanding because I felt misunderstood. Following the matter, the other party did not go further into the discourse, and I had to leave it at that.
Empathy is what creates the potential for discussion. Either we discuss our thoughts, or we close that off. I feel deeply disappointed, but reality cannot create perfection as it is a pursuit not a creation. As a person who enjoys hearing a whole perspective, I have that bias of youth and ignorance. In time, I may disagree, or I may find more evidence to support this message.
As people, let us empathize more. I wish for more empathy all the time, but I cannot find it in others if I cannot find it in myself. This moment was born by my hand, not the other party’s.
Thank you for reading. I thank you most for your empathy, your compassion for having read to this point. You are proof in human kindness.
It is the first morning of 2014, and I seem incapable of sleep. Not that I have no choice, I just have some thoughts to ponder.
I had spent so much of last year questioning, and it is not all negative. I tackled depression head first and I’m still struggling with the remnants of the matter. I no longer hold thoughts of suicide, or any of that strangeness. To any who struggle, you have my deepest hope and faith to be strong. If you are depressed, I cannot say that matters can be better, but just I can say that you are stronger than you believe. We all are stronger than we imagine, and when we imagine ourselves perfect, we simply did not know that perfection is even greater than we are already.
Now back to why I am posting this - at 4am of all hours. I am trying to get published, I am trying to pursue my dancing with all the vigor I once showed, and I am trying very hard to not get in my own way. I have never been burnt out before, but hopefully I will have discovered the sensation after spring or before it.
And in trying to get published, I have questioned my actions. If I write things here, they may prove adverse to my publication. If my thoughts are worth anything, they’ll only be worth being said. Being heard is just an added bonus. So if published on paper or here, they deserve it and nothing more or less. So I’ve decided to write this recent thought here. Not particularly profound, but very much a great revelation.
See you in my next post!
Well or Unwell
Did you know me well?
I knew you little. And it pains me.
I thought I knew you well,
But much to your enjoyment
I am bewildered. You have not changed,
Only my perception of you has.
Does that mean that I know myself,
Only by as much as I exist in this moment?
How well do I know myself
If I could know you so little?
Deep and Slow
Whisper the coldness that shivers my toes and makes me ball into my breath for warmth. Breathe the slightest drops of ice and snow that comes off your breath so I may lull this wandering to a stop. Huff and puff your bellows and gales, sending chills through my skin and goosebumps fill with frigid blood. Winter, come now and give me inhale of your air this year.
As often is my trend, I am up. And at an hour that only the lonesome still breathe in conscious effort to keep alive. Strange though it is that all the lonely souls wander together at the same time, each one is still so very much alone. If we walk the same path, and if we hold hands and conversation as we walk or don’t, the two are so purely different but end at the same point. A fork in the road made only to detour around the tree that grows so large and beautifully, and still meets again to follow that straight and narrow walkway. I detour left, along with others, and others besides ourselves detour right. As if the choice actually mattered.
What I Do Know
I know you in my heart, but my eyes have yet to set upon yours. I haven’t yet met your gaze, nor smelled the air that suits you. Perfumes and airs aside, I know you have a scent that will soak into my sheets. You will have eyes plain and brown, but with a gaze that boars deep into my soul. I know you well, that your hair will not be grand and long, but beautiful in the way it tapers down the nape of your neck. In large I only know your face by no definite feature. Still, I know that when we meet, when our hearts finally connect and our souls forever branded by the moment, I will never dream too long nor fill my list of worries too large.
Better Late than Never
In his final breaths
He told me but one thing still,
“Seek a better self.”
A Good Breath
Nothing ever feels
As good as when I make time
Time has yet Past Enough
Unbeknownst to me
The cold eyes that never blinked
Looked like my father’s.